Not so good start to the new year

So, I was hoping to shortly announce that we were expecting a little brother or sister for B, due in August. But instead I am currently going through a miscarriage. Ugh.
We had our first doctor appointment on Dec 9th and she didn't see anything in the embryonic sac. But actually, even before she looked she had said not to worry, because it was so early we may not see anything...but she had me go and check hormone levels. They seemed ok. The first day was 2400 and 2 days later, 4000. She expected to see the embryo by around 5000, and since the day we had gone to the dr was the 2400 day, things still seemed to be on track. I started getting the same symptoms I had had with our son and everything.
Our hopes and plans were blown apart however at our next visit. On Dec 23rd (really bad timing by the way), we went back and she still couldn't see anything in the sac. She started saying different things and then words like "blighted ovum" (which innocent me had never even heard of) and "miscarriage". What? No this can not be happening. I started to tear up but I was still in shock. I still had hope. Somehow.
Something strange that helped me was actually that the same tech was there that afternoon, right after we got that news, to take the blood for hormone levels. He had also taken it the previous 2 times, but at a different lab location. So I was shocked to see him, but we had shared small talk before, and now tears were just streaming down my face. I had to go to get the blood taken at the same hospital where we had had such a wonderful birth experience 2 years before with our son. And here was this stranger that I had only seen 2 other times. I told him, "It doesn't look good." Of course, he could probably tell that by the tears. Anyway, he took me back to draw the blood and he shared his personal story about how he and his wife had experienced the same loss and gone on to have 3 girls. I appreciated his kindness. That was the first thing that made me feel even slightly better.
I feel like God brought us together somehow. It was just a really strange coincidence to me that he was there at the other lab the 1st 2 times and then at the hospital lab that last time. Anyway, sure enough the numbers were high- 17000. Which was very bad news, since she still hadn't seen anything on the u/s.
During the next week, I had to go through the motions of the holidays without feeling like it at all. My parents were visiting. We all got sick.
But through it all I still had some crazy hope that my doctor, as much as I respect and love her was wrong somehow. I went back and looked at the early u/s pictures of our son. And I counted the weeks...the first one was at 6.5 weeks, and he was just a tiny dot, no heartbeat. On average, they expect to see a heartbeat on the u/s by 6 weeks. We didn't see it until the next u/s, which was at 9 weeks, 1 day. At the u/s on the 23rd, I was exactly 8 weeks. And my cycles are much longer than average, so maybe, just maybe I thought, she's wrong. I haven't had any cramping, no spotting, nothing. She must be wrong. I went over it, again and again. I googled "blighted ovum" and found stories of women who said they had had their doctors tell them the same thing only to see the baby at a later appointment.
We "celebrated" our 9th wedding anniversary on the 30th. Then, on the 31st, the spotting began. Just a tiny speck, but there. So I knew. No matter how exact my calculations, they couldn't change the truth. I just never thought this would happen to me. I have only been pregnant once before, and my son is healthy, the pregnancy was fairly easy- I did have gestational diabetes, but it was easily managed through diet. So how could this be happening?
I really couldn't talk about this with anyone at first, but when the spotting started, I decided to share what was happening on my facebook page and I have received so many messages of support and love and prayer. It has really helped me.
Writing this also helps I think.
I am slowly starting to have hope again. For the new year, that it may actually turn out decent after all.
I am never going to innocently trust the "pregnant" reading on a pregnancy test again though. In fact I was so angry at first that I told my husband I was never going to take one again because they just lied; that I would just wait and then make the appointment with the dr and see on the u/s what was happening. I may still do that actually. It is so painful to have been wanting this for more than a year and trying for several months, finally seeing that "pregnant"!! Only to find out weeks later that it isn't so.
We are going back to my dr on Friday. I have many questions, such as, can they tell the sex by what is left (chromosomally)? What does she think the chances are that the embryo had already stopped developing by the time I took the pregnancy test? When can we start trying again??? etc.
I will update hopefully with better news in the coming months...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

We spent the time with family in a small town.
The fall colors were absolutely stunning!

Long time away...

It has been a while since I've written anything. Just busy with the usual stuff. Well, Halloween was fantastic; we trick or treated the night before, at the Aquarium. My parents were in town which was really nice.
Then B turned TWO this week! Sometimes we can tell...
But mostly he is fairly low-maintenance and easy-going.

It has been a good fall so far. We are starting a 2year old soccer class this Saturday. Hopefully it will be fun.

Also, we are going to try to start exercising more as well...

"I need ball!!"

So, this morning, B was playing with a bouncy blue ball and it kept going under tables, etc. When he couldn't reach it, he yelled out "I need ball! I need ball!" A couple of times it even sounded like "I need a ball!"

[he also says "I got it!" and "I'll be back." (he was born in California under Schwarzenegger's governorship...)]

I am fairly impressed with this, even through my sleep deprived state...the first night in his big boy bed, B slept 9 hours straight in his new bed. After that, it has been pretty much a nightmare. He's been up 2-3 times every night. Last night was the worst yet. We tried to put him to bed at his regular time and he demanded more food. So we brought him back downstairs and he ate half a ham and cheese sandwich. He finally went to sleep close to 10 pm. Then at 2 am, he was up - demanding more food! GH took him downstairs and gave him some milk, then he fell asleep at almost 3 am. Then he was up again at 5:30ish, fell back asleep after a little milk and then up again at 7 am.

Needless to say, none of us were in the cheeriest moods at the breakfast table... ;)

UGH. I am so tired and it is only Wednesday.